Sally-Part 22. POOR ME !

About 1990. Trying to look intelligent whilst wearing a child's rucksack

I once asked Shirley why she thought people took an instant dislike to me and without even thinking she said, "Because it saves time !" and then slapping me really hard across my back she let out a howl of derision and crying with laughter repeated it, cackling demonically between each word,

"Because!....howl....It!....hoot....Saves !....choke....Time !!!! D'yer get it? D'yer?"

 Oh! Ha ! Ha ! Ha !

I'd just had the most terrible time buying milk from Charlie's farm  on the Hebridean Island of Colonsay, where I felt that I'd been treated with contempt.

I've never told anyone about this before. I was going to take it to my grave, such is the pain the recollection brings me, especially if I'm away driving and the memory of what happened then suddenly flashes into my mind and I blush with horror, thump the steering wheel and groan, "Oh God!"

 Have any of my readers ever said or done anything stupid? I doubt it.

OK! I'll tell.

Colonsay is the only Island in The Hebrides with an arrow pointing at it visible from space

Colonsay is nine by two miles with a hundred or so residents which can swell by five hundred more per week during the holidays. It has one circular single-track road made Hell by idiot cyclists who won't  pull over and stop to let vehicles through as instructed at the harbour on a tiny signboard that nobody can read. So the Islanders get pretty fed up with tourists who are known as "The Green Wellie Brigade" for the way they dress and because they are so wealthy that they readily pay the ridiculously high rents demanded of them!

Kiloran Bay

Our little and frankly grotty "School Cottage" was about half a mile from the farm and when Shirley asked if I wouldn't mind going for a couple of bottles I grabbed my bike, pushed it over the cattle grid, jumped on and shot off.

School Cottage with almost vertical ladders up to the bedrooms

Of course what she actually said was, " David! Milk! Now! Two pints and no cream! No butter! Right? Well, what are you waiting for? Do I have to go myself? Move!"

As I approached the track leading quite steeply up to the outbuildings, I could clearly see their six year old son herding a dozen or so, to me, massive creatures across the road from their grazing field, goading them up the very deeply rutted track up to their elbows in thickly cloying mud. Some had their calves with them and some were heavily pregnant, due to give birth any time soon.

Being young and English and a twit I said, "Good morning young fellow, would you like a hand?"

Although, being English I refuse to speak in any foreign tongue, I believe he answered, " Noo, S'arrrlreet pal" which is Scottish for "No thankyou kindly Sir" I think.

Anyway the final huge beast laden with the biggest,heaviest udders I'd ever seen was struggling so badly that I put one arm around her vast behind and with the other took the weight off her norks and pushed as hard as I could.

The boy stared at me as if I was an idiot and called his mother. "Murrm! Arr think yeed bitterr harrve a luke hearrr arrt this nutterrr!"

The good lady appeared at the top of the hill and standing with her arms crossed and her legs akimbo stared at me for two seconds before calling,"Charrlie! Weeuns! Git yerrselvs hearr the noo ya'll nivverr beleev thissun!"

 I wasn't even daunted by the poo as it was released at huge force hitting me smack in the middle of my forehead! Gallons of it! Kind of sweet smelling really! Not unpleasant at all!

 I just held on grimly and heaved, supporting and pushing until, covered in muck and grime we arrived at the top and straightening my back and using the backs of my fingers as miniature windscreen wipers to clear my glasses said, "Fine morning to you all. I just had to help her. She looked whacked what with the birth evidently so near! When is she due?"

They looked at each other, burst into a dreadful mad laughter, grabbed hold of each other to stop themselves falling over and the wife roared, " Tharrts the Bull yee Sassenach fool!"

"Ah! I said " Easy mistake to make I suppose. Now I'll take two pints of your best please, my good woman and I'll be on my way. Cheerio!"

Now, was it my imagination or did that bull have a smirk on his face? And when I took my leave and walked passed him with as much dignity as possible, did he wink at me, slightly purse his lips and slowly raise one eyebrow?

I think the tears started just after I got back on my bike and with my vision clouded, I forgot to dismount for the cattle grid !

Shirley stared at me when I walked in covered from head to toe, crying with humiliation and the pain that only a man can suffer when he's fogotten to stand up on his pedals when riding a bike over a cattle grid and said kindly, "What on earth's happened to you darling?"  ( Yeh Right! )

"Fell off." I said quietly.