SALLY PART 273...."FOUR BITS ? AND YOU DON'T NEED THAT MUCH BUTTER IF YOU'RE HAVING PEANUT BUTTER !"

 I drove home starving after five hours with grandchildren, having actually NOT eaten the dinner made for me ! It was all vegetables, something men just don't see the need for, roasted in oil with ends burnt into little jaw-breaking boulders that I would have spat out if I didn't love eating charcoal so much.

I have only not eaten my lunch on three occasions in fifty years and I think on one of those I was the cook !

I had driven home the shortest route according to my mansense, getting caught caught at every traffic light going and Shirley, determined to prove me wrong commanded my attention whilst she demonstrated on Google Maps the various options and in fact she was right, I had driven an extra and unnecessary 0.4 of a mile !

Her Ipad was in one hand and a spatula was in the other reheating a mountain of lunchtime's leftover vegetables which I dreaded getting offered again and said so !

"Well you'll just have to find yourself something !" she hissed at my downturned mouth as I stood looking at her food preparations, "It's OK, I'll have peanut butter sandwiches once you're out of the way." I said as genially as possible, knowing that if I wasn't genial in tone (the only one of the two of us too scared not to be) then she'd go mealy mouthed about the amount of toothpaste I'd used or the noise I'd made turning the bathroom light on with the window open letting in the moths that make her life a nightmare !

She stood staring in disbelief as I buttered my snack and gasped,"FOUR bits and you won't need butter if you're having peanut butter !" (she'd forgotten after a lifetime of calling slices of bread 'slices' that they weren't called 'bits') and tutting loudly as I reached for the salt which I like to smother my peanut butter with she took her disgusting vegetables thankfully out of my sight !

As you can see, there's barely a crumb left !

SALLY PART 272....."THE DOOR DAVID ! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU ?"

 

The answer is 'Every day and every time I go through one' !

Nothing matters to me, none of the minutiae of life that so bothers my wife and I presume all wives !

My breathing doesn't bother me, my snoring doesn't bother me, my pulling the quilt off her doesn't bother me, cleaning my teeth with the door open doesn't bother me, how much water I put in the kettle to make a cup of coffee doesn't bother me and leaving the kettle under the cupboard whilst it boils doesn't bother me !

Not carrying my dinner plate to the sink doesn't bother me and leaving dregs in my coffee mug doesn't bother me, or the slurp marks around the rim !

Running the cold water in the kitchen too fast and too early in the day doesn't bother me and shutting myself away in my room for fifteen hours a day doesn't bother me !

But they all seem to bother if not downright irritate Shirley though I don't know why, oh and she doesn't like my talking too loudly on the few occasions that I do talk !

And then there's the doors !

I have sort of listened to how each one should be left during he day or during the night, according to the temperature, the airflow and whether or not the sun is shining.

This is a particularly troublesome feature in our static caravan with the additional problem that the main bathroom has what's called a 'Jack and Jill' set of TWO doors opening into it, one from the hall and one from her bedroom !

I'm supposed to leave the one from her bedroom open on a sunny morning though I forget what I'm supposed to do with the main door into her bedroom from the hall or the one from the hall into my little prison cell !

You see, they all bang into one another all the time and I have to have a 'fitting' on mine to stop it closing completely during the day, I think, or is it to stop me dying from heat exhaustion at night.

Her main door has to be closed at night for privacy and her bathroom door pulled tight to to keep out the light from the street light half a mile away !

At night I have to use 'her' bathroom down the corridor and not flush the chain in case a neighbour twelve caravans along should be a light sleeper and get woken by it !

Now back at home her bedroom door has to be not quite closed and the bathroom door pulled not quite closed so that light from passing ships doesn't disturb her !

I'm not actually allowed to use the bathroom at night in case I wake someone in Marbella and I fear going in there even during the day in case I forget to put the soap back on the upturned rusting coiled metal egg cup that stops it turning to mush on the sink and which a new bar is impossible to balance on without being 'screwed' onto it !

Downstairs is another minefield of door positions both during the day and night and I'm now too worn out to even think about what I'm supposed to do with them...I think it's three quarters open at night if the temperature is over 9*C for the kitchen one and fully open for the hall one or is it the other way round ?