SALLY....PART 267. "DAVID ! WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THE END OF THE CUCUMBER ?"

 

Nothing's quite right in my house at the moment since Shirley got invaded by a grandchild's virus and I have to make my own food !

Yesterday I made a sausage, bacon and onion sandwich without the bread because I can no longer stand the super seeded loaf I demanded be bought exclusively for me !

The day before that I made a sausage and onion sandwich WITH bread and it was so large I quartered it and everything fell out of each giant quarter when I lifted it towards my mouth and ended up having to use a knife and fork, adding to the washing up that my invalid wife can still manage whilst coughing her guts up because she hates the way I do the washing up

My lunch today was two slices of corned beef, horseradish sauce and sliced with a blunt knife cucumber between nearly the last two slices of that horrible bread !

Six hours later my door crashed open and my wife who had spent the afternoon in a near coma swept in brandishing the two parts of the cucumber pictured above !

"What's THIS David ?" she spat out almost apopleptic, "What has happened to the end of the cucumber ?"

I had to think quickly, "Erm, I cut it off."

"WHY ?"

"Because I wanted some slices of it for my sandwich."

"So why didn't you slice it from the end ?"

I had no answer and fell silent as she turned, shaking her head in bewilderment and left my room.

"Now the end's going to dry up and get wasted and cucumbers aren't cheap !" I think she said except she probably didn't as she never wastes a scrap of food and that end, I'm certain, however dried up will end up down my gullet tomorrow !

'I should have just eaten the end as a self-contained snack !', I thought as I turned back to my work feeling hungry because a single corned beef sandwich is no meal for any man let alone a hard working one !

SALLY...PART 266. "GO EASY ON THE BUTTER !"......WHOOPS !

 

I had just gone heavy on the butter when I heard, called through from my wife's Ipad viewing couch, "Go easy on the butter !" because she can just sense when I'm doing wrong !

If she'd really wanted that she'd have made my Marmite on toast elevenses herself, when she would have scraped an invisible amount of my favourite lubricant on to what Hovis sells as white bread without printing 'TASTELESS WITH A HORRIBLE TEXTURE AND LIKE TRYING TO CHEW THIN CARDBOARD' prominently on its wrapper, thereby saving about half a p !

 But she didn't and I had to crawl through from my sewing machine starved half to death to prepare my own food !

So having failed to unbutter two slices of burnt toast because you can't unbutter melted butter, especially heavily spread butter, I heaped on extra thick Marmite to disguise my crime in case it were to be inspected, which it thankfully wasn't as the amount of topping I'd used was ridiculous and would have been noticed and commented upon !

I quickly scoffed the lot, choking as quietly as I could on the product bought from Asda under its own name and which tastes exactly like Marmite because I'd put on FAR too much !