I was replying to yet another Facebook insult when a mouthful of THE most dreadful profanities brought me to my senses and I leapt up as slowly as I could to find out why my wife was hurling abuse at me THIS time !
"The ####### shower's just gone FREEZING so ####### well fix it !" she screamed !
I trundled to the boiler cupboard and saw everything functioning properly and called out, "Nothing wrong this end !"
"I can't ######## hear you you #### as the shower's on and drumming against the glass doors !"
So I opened the bathroom door and stepped up to the shower cubicle and stared at the tap to make sure she'd rotated the temperature control right up...which she had !
"Close the ####### door and get OUT !" she screamed for no really good reason that I could work out and I went back to the cupboard, switched the electric mains off and then on again after which the heat came back on and I returned to my first love....FACEBOOK !
Within five seconds another piercing scream rendered the air blue and I returned to the bathroom where upon entering I was ordered to "#### off !" again and as you don't not do what you're told not to do in my marriage I left and returned to the cupboard where this time, as payback, I pretended to jiggle some stuff and called out, "That should sort it !" to which she responded at a decibel level that sent my appalling tinnitus into overdrive, "Well it ######## hasn't you ######## ! Now get up to Reception and tell them to get whoever serviced the ####### boiler back here right now ! I'm dying for ####'s sake !"
"Why not let me get you a towel and you can get wrapped up and in front of the fire 'til I get back." I suggested timidly .
"I've got ####### shampoo in my hair and no way to rinse it off so #### off NOW with your ####### brilliant ideas ! My mother was right about you all along !"
Before things got any more personal I slipped on my jacket, slipped out of our Scottish residence and instantly slipped on the sopping wet grass, going instantaneously down in a directly vertical manner with the back of my head strikng the ground first !
Any silent movie slapstick star would have been envious of my pratfall !
Regaining consciousness and with a greater fear of another tongue lashing than of death, I staggered the half mile to Reception and meekly asked for help with the boiler whilst standing covered head to toe in mud with a lump the size of a potato rapidly growing on the back of my skull !
The Receptionist seemed not to notice the state of me and typed something into her computer which miraculously said "Yes" and drawled something indecipherable whilst chewing bubblegum before she sent me packing !
By the time I got back the raging Harridan had turned into a giggling schoolgirl and virtually UNwrapped in a very skimpy short towel no bigger than a face flannel was laughing with the engineer who had been instantly dispatched and had even made him a cup of tea and a sandwich which he scoffed with his head in the cupboard !
She stared at me and my mud as if we were something unfit for human consumption, ordered me to undress outside and pointed at the cupboard under the sink where the liquid soap was kept, at the sink and at me before returning to the plumber with, "As I was saying, I'll have to pop back into the shower now you've sorted it and no peeping you naughty boy !"
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