SALLY...PART 179. I DIDN'T TAKE ANY SANDWICHES TO MARKET YESTERDAY !

I didn't take sandwiches to market yesterday because my wife was wrecked with coughing her guts up because of a particularly virulent bout of flu which hasn't hit me yet and I thought I'd let her go to bed early the night before and have a rest from slaving over me !

I'm a decent bloke for that I guess and anyway I don't do food as I make far too much mess which gets me into trouble for days after I've even touched a knife because she'll find a single crumb miles from the scene that she INSISTS will lure in millions of ants which will then eat ALL our food and build endless nests and eat our cupboards despite my reassuring her that they'd have to be termites to eat cupboards and that termites can't survive Northumberland temperatures !

I also fail to satisfactorily reseal the bread, put the butter back in the wrong area of the fridge after using FAR too much, use nearly every plate and piece of cutlery in the making of a cheese and cucumber sandwich, use too much salt and ignore the mountain of washing up that results from my best effort to show willing !

When she DOES make my sandwiches things go a bit like this......I'll still be working away quietly in my room at about 11pm having started at 7am when the door will be wrenched open with the strength of an outraged Rhino charging a Landrover, startling me and causing such a rush of adrenalin to course through my body that I nearly faint.....

"I suppose I'll have to make your sandwiches for tomorrow then as usual you lazy pig ?"

" If you wouldn't mind as I'm trying to get these hundred purses finished by midnight !"

"So what do you want on them ? I'm not a mind reader !"

"Cheese and cucumber please."

"Tomato?"

"Yes please."

"Or I could do you Tuna with or without pink sauce"

"No cheese and cucumber will be fine."

 "Or if I must I could do hard boiled eggs."

"No really cheese and cucumber with some salt will honestly be fine."

"You eat too much salt !"

"Just a little bit of salt then?"

"I've got some nearly out of date Wiltshire dry cure ham I could do with English mustard."

No really, really, just cheese and cucumber."

"But the ham needs eating!"

"RIGHT ! I'll have the ham then !"

"Well make up your mind !"

"I did, five minutes ago!"

"Pickled cucumbers with the ham ?"

"Yes please."

"Sliced lengthways or in rounds?"

"Sliced lengthways please."

"They could fall out!"

"Rounds then!"

"White or Brown?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, whichever you choose and I've just cut myself !"

"Don't you talk to me like that ! If your so-called invisible friends on Facebook could hear you they'd be disgusted ! You always blame me when you cut yourself !"

"That's because I can't concentrate on this trimming when you complicate something that could really have been so simple!"

"Well TOUGH and in fact you can make them yourself now you bully  and clear that blood up before you come up to bed because I'm not doing it !"

And that's why I didn't take any food with me yesterday because I was too busy getting my thumb sewn back on in A&E !