I was having one of those dreams where I was drowning in burning hot quicksand and was taking my final gasps !
In that dreadful paralysed period just before consciousness creeps back and I throw myself out of bed desperate for air I knew that this really was it as I couldn't move !
My life didn't flash before me as I was fighting the terror and as I fought against the force holding me down !
My legs were trapped and my mouth was on fire and I was actually woken up being force-fed burning hot porridge and boiling coffee with Shirley sitting on my legs, because Shirley sits where she likes, whilst she poured an unrememorable stream of instructions into my brain !
We were cat-sitting at one of my son's and I had to get back to escort two of my Grandsons to school .
........WAKE UP YOU SNORING CHOKING IDIOT AND SWALLOW THIS AND STOP FIGHTING ME YOU'VE ONLY GOT AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GET READY AND DRIVE THE TEN MINUTES BACK HOME AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE BATHROOM YET....OPEN....SWALLOW...DRINK... AND I'VE JUST HAD MY WORST NIGHTS SLEEP EVER AND I'VE BEEN UP SINCE FIVE THIRTY TWO AND THAT'S AFTER THREE WEES AND CLEANING OUT BOTH TRAYS AND THAT STRAY'S NOT BEEN IN....OPEN...SWALLOW...DRINK.... OR I'D HAVE HAD NO SLEEP AT ALL WHILST YOU JUST LIE THERE IN A COMA AND GEMMA'LL BE PHONING AND YOU'LL EITHER HAVE TO MEET THE BOYS....OPEN...SWALLOW...DRINK... AT THE FAR CAR PARK OR SHE'LL BRING THEM TO YOU IF IT'S STILL RAINING....OPEN...SWALLOW...DRINK ...QUICKLY I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY I'VE GOT TO CHECK OUT JOSH GROBAN'S TOUR DATES AGAIN AND SEE IF ANY TICKETS HAVE COME UP THAT YOU COULD EVEN VAGUELY AFFORD....OPEN...SWALLOW...DRINK...AND YOU'RE NOT TO SPILL THE CREAM THAT I'M SENDING HOME WITH YOU ALONG WITH THE CABBAGE WHICH I WON'T BE EATING TODAY AND THERE'S THE REST OF THE CHINESE FROM LAST NIGHT FOR YOUR LUNCH AND DON'T SPEND ALL DAY ON FACEBOOK...OPEN...SWALLOW...DRINK....AND DON'T FORGET TO GO TO ASSEMBLY...OPEN....SWALLOW...DRINK....BECAUSE DANIEL'S GETTING HIS BRONZE CERTIFICATE FOR NOT HEADBUTTING ANYONE THIS WEEK...OPEN...SWALLOW...DRINK....AND THERE'S A FREEZER BLOCK TO GO IN THE TOP SECTION OF THE FREEZER AS SOON AS YOU GET IN AND IF YOU USE ANY OF THE CHEESE DON'T FORGET TO CLOSE THE PACKET PROPERLY....OPEN...SWALLOW...DRINK....ARE YOU AWAKE YET BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING AS I WON'T BE THERE TO ORGANISE YOU...OPEN...SWALLOW....DRINK...AND YOU'LL FORGET YOUR OWN NAME WITHOUT ME THERE...LAST ONE OPEN....SWALLOW....DRINK...AND I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WOMAN AT THE GOLF COURSE DARED TO CHARGE YOU NINE POUNDS TWENTY FIVE FOR A FEW SCAMPI A COUPLE OF DRIED LEAVES FROZEN CHIPS AND A SPOONFUL OF COLESLAW OUT OF A CATERING PACK YOU MUST BE MAD AND AS FOR YOUR DRINKING AN ORANGE FANTA INSTEAD OF A PINT OF BEER WELL WHAT SORT OF MAN ARE YOU YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OVER THE LIMIT AND I WAS SO EMBARRASSED TO HAVE TO SIT WITH YOU DRINKING THAT...ONE MORE OPEN...SALLOW...DRINK...NOW OPEN YOUR EYES AND GET UP!
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