Sally-Part 144. "YOU ARE A REALLY DETESTABLE MAN !"

I am NOT what I would call a horrible man so I was quite surprised, when driving over to Scotland the other day, my wife of forty one years suddenly blurted out, " You are a really detestable man and if I wasn't married to you, you would be the sort of man I would absolutely loathe ! In fact you ARE the sort of man I can't stand and how I haven't plunged an axe into your scrawny neck on any of a million occasions I'll never know ! "

Oh how we laughed and drove on in that companionable silence that accompanies an outburst of that sort !

To earn her wrath I simply wrote about the three dog-rage incidents I'd had in two days, including dog poo all over my hands on Whitley Bay's Municipal 'Pitch And Putt' course where I didn't notice the uncleared gifts I'd put my clubs down in !

Of course my nine year old grandson Dylan laughed his head off when he saw me running screaming into the nearest bunker to scrub my hands clean, which I managed, though without removing the stench !

The assistant disinfected me and the clubs which were smothered in the stuff and told me that there was a continuing problem with owners who bring their dogs onto the course and allow them to foul without clearing up after them !

So dog owners of Whitley Bay and everywhere else ! Clear up after your dogs or get rid of the dog !

A 'SWARM' or 'PLAGUE' of dog walkers !

I suppose that having had an uncontrolled Bull Terrier run full tilt within inches of my four year old grandson on the beach whilst it's owners sat gormlessly nearby on the beach started it off .

Then returning to my son's house where we were staying to look after his two cats who poo a great deal and by choice on the stairs or in the bath instead of in their TWO cat trays, I was greeted by the delightful sight of three slightly loose piles outside his front gate, blocking our re-entry !

So I went on a bit on Facebook about hating not only dog owners who don't clear up after their dogs but dog owners in general, especially those who DO clear up after them and then carry their dear one's little parcels in clear or just opaque plastic bags, on full display, like trophies, to prove what conscientious souls they are and the sight of which makes me retch for some inexplicable reason !

An unbloodrelated dog-owning relative wrote in response, " I'm sorry to read that I disgust you David!" to which I playfully replied,"You would disgust me even if you didn't own a dog!"

My rapier wit caused a ruction which saw me resentfully forced to write an apology for overstepping the mark !

And then to add insult to injury, the unbloodrelated relative 'Blocked' me before putting on one of those REALLY ANNOYING 'quote' posters which are apparently put on, according to research so it must be true, by people of lower intellect which read, 'NEVER APOLOGISE etc etc !'

That relative, with whom I share no blood, and I will be sharing responsibility for looking after three grandsons in Egypt shortly where I will be spouseless and therefore unprotected !

I might survive and I might not because without my wife I have no-one to advise me about my lack of an edit button and I may well say some other things which I consider hilarious and which others won't !

Keep an eye out !

By the way it's not just dog owners I hate, I hate everyone and everyone seems to hate me too though I have absolutely no idea why !

Sally-Part 143. A THREE P REFUND ALL THE WAY FROM SOUTH AFRICA !

When I was a boy I had an Aunt who lived in New York and once in a blue moon my father would 'book' a call to her .

I seem to remember it costing a pound a minute which meant that it cost more than four day's pay for a three minute call !

When I was sixteen I earned seventy five pence a DAY working as an assistant storeman on Saturdays at Woolworths !

So a call to The States was significant and expensive and not to be made lightly !

So what's all this about then ?

Well whenever Tescos delivers our shopping which is something they do about once every few weeks because we can't stand mixing with the working class people who frequent our local Supermarkets, they inevitably send items on the point of exceeding their 'sell by' dates, a loaf with a larger than acceptable air hole at one end, a lettuce with a slight browning of one leaf, apples of a variety other than those ordered, large pots of 'Finest' Coleslaw  rather than the 'Extra Creamy' one requested or Aunt Bessie's Roasted Potatoes instead of Aunt Bessie's ROSTI Potatoes as desired !

The 'ROSTI' problem has occured on more than one occasion and Shirley gets particularly incensed!

Then there are the inevitable frustrations caused by being overcharged by as much as three pence on an item and the maddening list of 'alternatives' supplied by overworked 'shoppers' who probably forgot to collect the wanted items when they passed them and couldn't be bothered to go back !

Whatever the reasons, Shirley gets straight onto the internet once she has expressed her frustration at me about the lack of storage space for three hundred pounds worth of groceries and informs the system of her concerns !

This is followed by a phone call the next day usually because to save a delivery charge she selects the free 10pm to 1am slot...and here comes the nub of the reason for writing the lead-in...from a truly humble administrative assistant in SOUTH AFRICA to tell her or more likely me, because Shirley HATES answering the phone, that the company apologises for any mistakes made and to let her know that the overcharge of three pence will be refunded to her account and that if she wishes a man in a van can be dispatched to pick up the nearly out of date products !

She never actually takes advantage of their offer so what happens is that I end up eating large quantities of 'on the turn' items that then make me ill !

How can phoning from South Africa be cost effective and why don't the companies have offices in the UK instead where people phoning me wouldn't be asked to repeat what they have said several times because I simply can't understand their accents ?

Well that's as long as the offices weren't operating out of Wales, Scotland, Ireland, Liverpool, Newcastle or anywhere in Yorkshire !

And don't get me started on the Africans, Indians and South Americans who phone me to tell me that I've won their National Lottery.....without even buying a ticket.....and all I'd have to do to receive several million pounds is to give them my bank details !

And I will scream if anyone mentions the calls I run to from the toilet that are silent or sales pitches from 'Home Improvement Companies' or anyone telling me that as a pensioner I'm eligible for a new boiler !