Sally-Part 142. AN ENCOUNTER WITH AN OUTTHRUSTLY BUSTY YORKSHIRE COUGAR !

Today Shirley and I touched index fingertips and swore never to go on holiday again !

It's summer and instead of sun we're sitting under lead-heavy cloud !

We went to a privately owned 'National Garden Schemes' or something garden that promised much, according to it's write up and delivered an overgrown mess!

Shirley's jaw set stone-like within one second of my putting ten instead of nine pounds in the honesty box and I then watched as it turned from stone into concrete before she asked for the car keys and left, almost apologising for making me drive fifty miles to see it.

Anywhere with garden gnomes does that to her....and me really !

I know just how long I can safely leave Shirley before she starts shouting for me so I stayed for a further ten minutes taking a few shots which thanks to my magic filter made the place look enchanting but no overcast day helps any garden look it's best.

I TRIED not to talk to anyone but had to say something to a plump grandiosely outthrustly busty lady with an appalling claim written on her T-shirt ! She was in her sixties or seventies and I found myself forced to assure her that I wasn't stalking her as I followed her behind an overgrown thicket or two along slippy paths too narrow for her immense girth !

She giggled in a deeply cigarette-damaged voice and rather to my chagrin SHE  turned into the stalker and I found it very hard not to bump into her on several occasions despite being aware that she kept trying to hide herself behind various trees and sheds once she had spied out my route along a series of darkly hilly paths !

She'd leap out of nowhere with her lipstick reapplied too thickly and her eyes freshly enlarged by Abba-blue mascara and ask in her grating rasp, "'ast thou t'seen Meconopsis Alpinatis 'cos if not I'll t'show yers !" or, "Thems Eucalyptusses are grand t'aint they ?"

EXTRA LARGE PHOTO FOR EXTRA LARGE NORKS ! ( face hidden for legal reasons and because it was hideous !)

I tricked her into taking a steep path upwards and saying I'd join her at the Rhododendron Nepalesearctus shot back to the car and sweating a bit too much for a garden stroll started the engine and drove off at high speed without checking to see if Shirley was in the passenger seat, which she wasn't as she'd apparently taken a stroll across the road to see the 'remarkable' contemporary copies of mesolithic cup and concentric ring carvings in a lower field !

I quickly realised she wasn't there when I hadn't been instructed how to drive for four bends and braking violently, reversed to find her steamingly angry and staring helplessly at her signaless mobile phone on which she was desperately trying to call our daughter Gemma to tell her what had happened and to get HER to phone me on the mobile I carry uncharged in the car for emergencies like this !

I skidded to a halt, threw open her door and yelled at her to get in when I saw in the rearview mirror the distressed fat woman charging down the road waving her wobbly arms at me, shaking her fists whilst sobbing and shouting out something about thinking we'd made a date and screaming, "ANOTHER LIAR!" as I hurtled away !

I was emotionally drained and try as I might I couldn't get Shirley to believe my tale of the 'Cougar' who had set her sights on me !

We drove on in silence as I quickly stuffed down my smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich which Shirley had made for me this morning when she still trusted me !

"Shirley! She's mad!" I bravely ventured."Come on ! Talk to me!"

"You never change do you after all I've ever done and sacrificed for you! All I have to do is turn my back for one second, ONE SECOND and you're trying it on with another woman! Well I've had enough this time so you can just drop me here and go back for that...that Trollop and good riddance !"

I called her a dafty, promised never to talk to another woman ever again and she gradually calmed down enough for me to gently ease the carving knife out of her clenched fist !

"Cor ! Me and women eh?" I joked and joshed her under her chin until I coaxed a smile out of her as she wiped the tears that had been streaming down her face !

"I'm sorry for always going over the top!" she murmured, "But I can't bare the thought of living without you! Come on, I'm starving ! Let's go and eat !"...and the crisis had passed !

So there you go, I'd cleverly engineered an apology and brilliantly calmed the situation before the insufferable drive back through the overcrowded Ambleside, over the too-narrow Kirkstone Pass and the roads that endlessly twisted and turned along the uninteresting shores of Lake Ullswater before returning to my favourite cafe in Pooley Bridge where I yesterday absolutely refused to pay a machine in a car park seven pounds for a four hour stay whilst I sat freezing and bored to death on an uncomfortable and noisy boat trip....don't they know people need seats with backrests and not bum-numbing hardwood slatted benches !

Unfortunately Shirley's BATTERED Whitby Cod Goujons which I had specifically requested were BREADED, her Chips were awful, the Tartare Sauce foul and her Mushy Peas disgusting so I'm afraid her face quickly turned to stone once more !

WE ATE IN THE SHADOW OF THE BRIDGE WHERE WE WERE ABLE TO ENJOY THE SIGHT OF A LOCAL FARMER REPEATEDLY PASSING WITH HIS STINKING SLURRY TANK EITHER FULL AND SPLASHING OR EMPTY AND STAINED !

I wasn't allowed to complain and once I'd wolfed down my delicious Meat and Potato Pie, bought two slabs of cake to bring home and shelled out twenty five quid for something we could have bought for six quid in Aldi agreed NEVER to eat out or, in fact, go on holiday ever again !

Now where DID I put that Yorkshire woman's phone number ?

Sally-part 141. GETTING MY A### BITTEN !

We've eaten out badly so many times that we decided never to ever eat out again and to eat badly at home instead !

Today after a really poor day out in The Lake District firstly visiting a Tourist Hotspot Waterfall which because there had been no rain for a couple of weeks was more like a noisy trickle than a 'Force' and then a two and a half hour overcast Lake cruise which was frankly the least interesting thing I've ever done !

EVEN THE TREES WERE BORED !

We sat on the open deck in the overcast gloom and as there was no sun I froze as the thing sped up to eight miles per hour and the slipstream sent the passengers racing for the warmth and overpriced coffee in the enclosed salon below decks .

AM I THE ONLY MAN TO BE BORED SICK IN THE LAKE DISTRICT ?

The only other people who stayed on deck were a fat husband and wife with their foul aging Labrador which they didn't even try to stop interminably barking for the hour they sat there ignoring each other !

OH HOW I WANTED TO ! AND IF I COULD HAVE SQUEEZED OUT THAT WINDOW I WOULD HAVE...EVEN IF IT HAD MEANT LEAVING MY £1:80 PAPER CUP OF THERMOS FLASK COFFEE BEHIND !

I WAS SO BORED I PRESSED BUTTON THREE ! I JUST COULDN'T HELP MYSELF !

It's nearly July and officially summer in the Northern Hemisphere but we've been unlucky this year as when we've been anywhere it's been raining and/or freezing but then that's why we chose the end of June to return to The Signal Box at Cliburn where before arriving, Shirley wondered why she had chosen to spend a few days sweltering in what was bound to be a virtual greenhouse .

She needn't have worried as even the underfloor heating, supplied by a groundsource generator, has turned itself on automatically !

Anyway, returning home after an exhausting eleven mile drive Shirley climbed up to the lounge which was once where the signalman carried out his duties and fell into a coma after explaining to me how to cut ready prepared stirfry vegetables into even smaller pieces using a knife !

THE SIGNAL BOX WHERE GHOST TRAINS STILL HURTLE PAST AT MIDNIGHT WITH THEIR WHISTLES GOING AT FULL BLAST !

I don't do any cooking usually but as I simply don't understand what's hard about it, I set to with relish, even working out how to turn the hob on without any help and also cutting up some extra mushrooms to add that little something extra.

Well, the veg was frying away nicely and I had just added the stirfry sauce and was frying the noodles after microwaving them, as it told me to do on the packet they came in when the upstairs door opened and Shirley stood arms and legs akimbo staring down with her eyeballs bursting out of their sockets before finding her well known powerhouse of a voice and shouted down, " NO! For God's sake what are you doing ? You don't fry noodles you idiot and you should know that you NEVER use a metal implement to stir anything in a non-stick pan !

Well, I'll give her that bit about metal stirrers but it definitely said to fry the noodles and I meekly mentioned it !

"DON'T TRY TEACHING YOUR GRANDMA TO SUCK EGGS !" she yelled !

"It's written on the packet dear." I timidly ventured.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR ONE SECOND !"

"Well it does !" I timidly ventured again, tears sprouting from my eyes !

"THEN PROVE IT AND IF YOU'RE RIGHT I'LL #### #### #### ! (I am absolutely forbidden to reveal the easily worked out promise she used though it's the same as the one used a billion times a day by women around the world and never carried out !)

SHE RELUCTANTLY ACCEPTED THE PROOF AFTER READING THE WRAPPER FIVE TIMES AND WITH ME IN A VULNERABLE POSITION WITH MY EYES CLOSED IN EXPECTED BLISS SUNK HER TEETH WITH FULL FORCE INTO MY RUMP !

I'll never trust her again ! (There is NO photo of her teeth marks in my buttock but imagine one of that biting footballer's attacks on a rival player and DOUBLE it !)