If I lived on my own I would work eighteen hours a day, never look through a window, would have no idea of what time of year it was except for the fact that my nose would be running less and my feet would feel slightly less frozen in warmer weather and never have a holiday!
I would eat take-aways several times a day or cheese sandwiches with plain crisps either in the sandwich or piled-up beside it.
I'd wash the few dishes I'd used once every couple of days and drink from a large stock of Bournvita, Horlicks, exotic coffees and banana milk-shakes !
As it is I do not live on my own and my presently injured wife has just limped back from one of our two bathrooms Touretting three times and found a small pool of water by the caravan sink, left through my inattention to detail, under the pointless glass preparation platter that sits on plastic feet just high enough to allow a monumental build-up of splashes and crumbs every three minutes!
' Touretting ' for the ignorant is that sudden and dreadful involuntary noise that pulled muscles and other aches and pains are responsible for inflicting on generally unsympathetic family members.
You might let out a sucked in slight hiss if you were alone but in company it's a yell of agony, noted with disgust but mostly ignored by those upon whose ears it falls!
Shirley, a trained actress, lets out cannon shots of intensity that make whole roomfuls of people leap in terror!
I'm not making light of her pulled or torn diaphragm condition as I've had it once or twice when I have failed to lift things according to the 'Health and Safety' poster which I don't have in my workshop.
My attention has just been brought to the pool of water with a cluck only moments after being informed that she'd discovered that I'd left the blind down in the bathroom which she did only moments before observing that the empty veranda paint tin which I failed to take to the bin last night was lying on it's side under the veranda and that my eyebrows need trimming !
I was also pleased to receive the knowledge that low tide was at 7:33 this morning which means that IF she recovers by this afternoon our walk along the Cardonness beach can't start much before 3pm unless we wanted to go to visit the garden at Castle Kennedy instead but not both although the Met-office weather forecast would let us do both in fine weather if we wished and her back could take it and it would be best to do them both today as the forecast is for heavy rain tomorrow which would preclude such visits taking place at all !
The really long term weather forecast for two weeks time has not been published yet which is a shame as I need to be advised on what clothing to take for one day away in London on a steam train visit with my entire multi-layered family who will probably all be waiting to punch me for either writng about them or not writing about them in my Blog.
I do know however that to get back to King's Cross railway station for the nine o'clock service to Newcastle I will have to leave The Great Black Cock's Crowing Railway or whatever it's called and I'm not even going to mention what images came up on the laptop when Shirley typed this slightly wrong name into Google, by 7:15 to get the 7:38 from Weybridge changing at Waterloo for the 8:06 to Victoria via Piccadilly or if I miss the 8:06 then there will be another at 8:14!
I can't even remember why I've gone upstairs so why have I been told this two weeks in advance ?
There will probably be no need to carry an extra Levothyroxine tablet unless I'm worried that a strike by porters will cause severe disruption to all public services.
And if I did live on my own I would not have leant my sons the larger part of my inheritance and would now be driving a Range Rover which carries kudos and not a Peugeot Partner which carries none and looks like it should have a Motability sign in the back window!
Respect of course to Motability drivers who get given free cars,insurance, tax, tyres and servicing if they or their spouses have Athlete's foot and need to be able to park for free near a Supermarket where they can rest their enormous guts on the handles of their trolleys as they throw in more fat-packed foodstuffs before holding up the queue by paying with a credit card with money they haven't worked for !
As my poor wife has fallen asleep after eating her Rice Krispies for which I opened the milk but wasn't allowed to pour it as I wouldn't have poured the correct amount with the preferred flourish, I shall have to make my own toast which at least with me doing it shouldn't be burnt and whilst doing so ponder the question asked twenty minutes ago of whether the Rice Krispies grains are bigger than they used to be !
My partner of forty glorious years has just woken from her slumber after a quarter of an hour, choked, muttered, " Ah ! Dribbled ! How long have I been off for?" and gone straight back to sleep!
Perhaps I should continue writing in private and not in the lounge where with my bare feet feeling like blocks of ice, the left side of my head baked by the sun and my ears lulled by the regular emanations of my wifes collapsed uvula and soft tissues I could think up profound lies and not write about what is to some, the minutiae of real life !
Ah now ! Hovis or Fench stick? With jam, peanut butter or Marmite ?
Apparently I'm having the Hovis !
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