Sally-Part 51. THE PATTERDALE HOTEL. IT'S HARD TO FEEL ROMANTIC WHEN SOMEONE'S POOING ON YOUR HEAD !

OUR SECRET BEACH ON THE FAR SIDE OF LAKE ULLSWATER

"That's it I'm not doing this AGAIN ! I wanted to be away by ten and now it's three minutes past and you haven't had a sleep so you'll be yawning all the way there and I haven't filled a water bottle yet and I can't think of everything and I'm not bothering with a flask so you'll just have to manage without a coffee until we're at the hotel and I bet the room'll be noisy and what if the bed's too soft and kills my neck which means that I won't be able to sleep a wink which means I'll be even more exhausted than I am now 'cos I hardly slept at all last night worrying about worrying about this morning and I just know we'll have to share a table and I'm not doing that and why are you standing around doing nothing and getting in my way when you could be making yourself useful by taking the recycling to the blue bin and turning off the emersion heater and making sure that I make sure the cooker's off before we leave and packing the car with my selection of twelve outfits as I don't know how hot the restaurant'll be and I won't be able to decide what to wear until I'm there but you don't need anything other than what you're wearing oh no I'm not going anywhere with you wearing that shirt which I've only just ironed and put away and don't put the toiletries bag in my bag or you'll crease my clothes and  make sure my walking boots are in the car unless you left them at the caravan which means I'll have to climb in my trainers thankyou very much and we're not stopping until we get to Ullswater and as usual I've had to think of everything and boil the eggs which you can mash up for the emergency sandwiches and use the old bottle of mayonnaise first and make sure you get it all out before you open the new one and don't bother it'll be quicker and less messy if I do it myself and I saw an ant which must have come in off the passion fruit bush which hasn't produced a single fruit in fifteen years so that was a waste of money wasn't it just like I said it would be at the time which you should have trimmed last autumn and through the window you left open when you burnt Dylan's eggy bread which I told you not to take your eyes off but you must have been checking your blog which you should give a rest because you're becoming obsessed with it and everyone says so and anyway no one's reading it and how many times have I had to tell you not to use this spatula on my new frying pan because it will scratch it and then it'll be ruined and remind me to take my sandals and oh no not the guitar you'll get complaints and get the green chair and picnic blanket from under the stairs yes I know they're mildewed but they'll air and anyway you'll have to sit on a rock as it's not worth buying a second one cos I'm NEVER doing this AGAIN!"

We were off for a one-night-last-minute-break in The Lake District last Thursday morning which Shirley had found on her laptop after an exhaustive all-day search comparing thousands of hotels and visitor's reviews on Tripadvisor following our longest period without a break for some time: approximately three days after coming home from a freezing week in our caravan!

 The weather in England had been awful for weeks and as we knew that we had no way of another holiday before the following Monday and we hadn't been back to this particular area for thirty years we decided to risk the expense.

EARLY MAY AT THE TOP OF HALLIN FELL WITH LAKE ULLSWATER SPREAD OUT AT OUR FEET !

As it happened it was a wonderfully hot afternoon and below is a photo of me asleep, stripped to the waist on a hot lakeside beach after climbing the gloriously positioned Hallin Fell which overlooked the entire area.

HOTTER THAN TENERIFE!

This exhausting climb up a gentle slope took us two hours with stops for food and drink every four paces!

The Patterdale hotel was run like clockwork and the dining room as efficient as anything you'd hope to find in Paris.

But that doesn't excuse the main meal!

After stuffing two large, delicious and filling Onion Bharjies as an entree I started on a roast turkey main which was tasteless accompanied by vaguely slightly softer than cement baby sweetcorn and thinly sliced potatoes and leeks rolled into a ball of watery tastelessness which might have been good had the seperate ingredients each been fried! 

I didn't like biting down on Turkey gristle either which should not have been there in the first place but I forgave the chef when I tasted his delicious cheesecake.

 After coffee and with the evening sunlight still bright I walked over the road to a cluster of ancient cottages at Rooking which, nestling beneath the high lakeland hills, was possibly the most beautiful place I've ever seen!

And so to bed, full to bursting in our specifically requested "Quiet room which hadn't been used by anyone with a dog !" and rather tense because I knew that Shirley wouldn't be able to sleep a wink as we were in the end room overlooking and right beside and I mean RIGHT beside the main lakeside road!

And then my nightmare started as I rapidly became aware of the complete lack of sound-proofing between walls and floors which meant that I was not only deafened by the gushing sounds of  every chain being flushed in the surrounding rooms but also had to hide my head under the duvet and La! La! La! loudly when I realised that it was the only way to try and avoid hearing EVERYTHING that was exiting from my fellow guests!

I shudder even now at the memory!

Shirley, who will waken at the sound of a pin dropping somewhere in Italy slept like a baby!

She didn't even hear the local church clock chime every hour as I did, or the tractors which seemed to drive straight through our room from just before dawn!

Breakfast was actually absolutely brilliant and I even left an ungenerously small tip before venturing out into the now pouring rain for the run home with us both agreeing and I can't remember how many times I've written this, that we'd never ever do it again as it was all too exhausting for people our age, although we were far far younger than every other guest who we'd left singing and drinking away in the bar the night before!

That evening and back on her laptop Shirley called me through and said, "If we wanted to and I leave the decision entirely in your hands, we could have a night next Monday at................."

 Give me strength!