Sally-Part 57. THAILAND'S TURN COMING UP !

JULIAN, LEFT AND JONATHAN. I'VE BROUGHT THEM UP BUT I DON'T THINK THAT EITHER ARE REALLY  MINE!

My youngest son Julian's personality was almost the complete opposite of his older brother Jonathan's whose bodily bulk matched his total enthusiasm for everything and his domination of any conversation on any subject, rather like his father's.

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! QUIET JULIAN---PRAT JONATHAN!

Julian was and is slim and quiet and openly unenthusiastic and instead of his brother's brashness he observes quietly and misses nothing. At school he got top marks in all subjects and when eventually asked what he wanted to do for a career said that he would like to be an army officer.

Well the army saw his potential and not only paid him a salary through University but paid him through his sixth form too.

His Graduation photo shows a young man who didn't do a days work in three years and can't believe he didn't get kicked out! 

AFTER THREE YEARS IN BED JULIAN MANAGED TO GET TO HIS OWN GRADUATION!

As I had signed a covenant with the Secretary of Defence I was required to deliver him to The Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst and I did it with pride!

I watched him march in with his ironing board under his arm and knew that when I next saw him he'd be a highly trained killing machine ready to command an army!

AFTER A YEAR WITHOUT SLEEP THE CHRYSALIS SPLIT AND OUT POPPED A BUTTERFLY !

A year later he was a second lieutenant in the Royal Engineers set on a life of good works around the world helping developing countries.

AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN WITH HIS PROUD PARENTS. HIS COMMANDING OFFICER SAID TO ME, " ISN'T THAT YOUR OLDER SON'S SIXTH-FORM SUIT? "

And then we invaded Iraq and the world changed for ever!

I suppose that the attack on the twin towers really changed the world forever but we weren't involved at the time.

So Julian, rising up the ranks over six years to Captain served two six month tours in Basra and having got married decided to hand in his notice and look for a civilian job.

Now, personally I think that his short career was a waste of a great deal of money but having supported him wholeheartedly in his choice of the military I hadn't foreseen the rise of Islamic terrorism and I didn't want him brought home in a body bag!

And the effect his 'tours' had on Shirley was terrible because communications then weren't what they are now and following any soldier's death announced on the news we had to wait to find out who it was. The best we ever got was a text saying, "It wasn't me!"

Very comforting!

Shirley and I watched him bellowing orders as Officer in Charge of a passing out parade and he was both forceful and immaculately turned out and seeing everyone salute him and call him Sir filled me with pride!

IS THIS THE BOY WHO SAT ON HIS MOTHER'S LAP SUCKING HIS THUMB WHILST HOLDING HER EAR AND GOING "UGUM GUM" IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT ?

But I had a different experience when his Sandhurst Company invited all one hundred fathers down for a night where we ate and drank too much before being forced out onto the parade ground at 7am and lined up with our sons to be yelled at by the funniest and foulest-mouthed Sergeant-major and marched up and down for half an hour, tripping over our own feet and crashing into the backs of the men in front as we hopelessly tried to follow orders, all of us laughing hysterically by the end! Then the same man marched us to the chapel and led the service!

SHIRLEY INSISTED THAT THE WORLD HAS TO SEE HOW BAD AN OLD SUIT CAN LOOK ON A MAN WHO FOR NO KNOWN REASON THINKS ALL WOMEN FANCY HIM !

Anyway, following their big wedding in Newcastle, Janny who is from Thailand organised a Buddhist ceremony for one hundred and fifty guests in Bangkok to which Shirley and I were of course invited.

SHIRLEY WAS LUCKY GETTING ME AND JANNI IS LUCKY GETTING JULIAN !

But with Shirley too hot in Blyth and wearing only a light cotton blouse for a walk to the beach in the middle of winter she decided that I should go alone AND share their Honeymoon with them on an exotic Isle!

ON HONEYMOON ON KO CHANG. JULIAN AND I JUST HAD A DRINK AND WATCHED JANNY CLEAR EVERY PLATE! AND HER FRIENDS KNOW I'M NOT JOKING! HUH?

I set out on the hottest day of the year in July 2007 for a bus ride into Newcastle train station followed by a three hour journey to Manchester Airport followed by a twelve hour flight to Bangkok broken in the middle with a change of aircraft in Qatar followed eventually by a delay at Bangkok airport followed by an hours car journey into the steaming city!

It's quite funny really but Shirley and I haven't actually spent that much time apart in forty years and our parting at an unromantic bus stop on the outskirts of our estate nearly became quite emotional!

People had told me that if I asked for an upgrade and the airline staff liked the look of me then I would get one! Oh!HaHaHa!

Arriving with plenty of time to spare I confidently walked up to the desk and boldly asked for an upgrade!

The raving Queen inappropriately 'manning' the post looked in horror at my T-shirt, jeans and sandals and snorted " Not drethed like THAT thur!"

" Oh Really!" I replied " And how should I dress?" ( you little gay cretin!... I didn't actually say that but I think he could read my thoughts )

"Open-necked shirt, thlackth and casual shoeth thur!" ( you won't believe it but I actually held my fingers in a gay way as I typed those words! )

So wheeling my case to the nearest 'gents' I changed into my full wedding gear, ignoring the dead earthworm curled up in the shower cubicle and retraced my steps where, looking a million dollars and holding myself fully erect repeated my earlier request!

My Queen looked at my eldest son's too large fifteen year old sixth-form suit, school shirt and tie with disgust and said, "Thorry Thur the flighth full!"

Undeterred I asked again as I handed my ticket in, having watched several people being chosen for upgrading without their even asking for it!

I was denied again and tried again at the entrance to the plane where I was refused again, finally asking once more after I'd sat down only to be refused AGAIN!

Then the purser turned up and asked me to stop being a nuisance and to just accept the seat that I'd paid for!

I didn't ask again! Well anyway, not until I changed planes!

And with no time left to change back into my lightweight clothes I ended up travelling the whole way to Thailand looking exactly the way you would expect a typical ageing 'sex tourist' to look, all the while wiping the sweat off my face and not daring to catch anyone's eye!

When I saw myself in the aircraft toilet's mirror after I'd loosened my tie, I looked even worse and so tightened it back up thus ensuring a loss of about two litres of fluid before I'd even arrived with huge damp patches darkening my suit's armpits!

I also discovered in the toilet that the lower air pressure in a plane makes it very hard for me to pee! ( Answers via the 'Comments Box' please! )

I am too tall and skinny to sleep on any plane so I watched film after film and watched the world go by through the window.

I watched a subtitled French film called Madame Irma with headphones on and didn't realise how much I was disturbing my twenty or so closest fellow passengers by braying like a donkey every time something really funny happened which according to my immediate and most irritated neighbour was quite often!

Bangkok's new airport is massive and dressed for the English climate and exhausted from lack of sleep and the distance I'd had to walk from 'Arrivals'  I approached Passport Control looking like someone dragged out the gutter and pitied and taken to be dressed in an Oxfam shop without being washed first!

The Passport officer looked at my passport and asked," Ware yu stay?"

I replied, " I'm sorry but I have no idea!

"Huh! No idee are? You no stay Thailand! You go back Eengrand!"

"Look, I'm here for a wedding and I'm being met as soon as I get through customs!"

"Wot hotel yu stay?"

"Again, I have no idea except that it's in Bangkok!"

" Bankok big city! Wot hotel fone number?"

"Again I have no idea! As I said, I'm being met and I know no more than that!"

"Yu fone people and I speek!"

"I don't have a phone and I don't have their number anyway!"

" No fone? But everlybody has fone!"

"I don't! Look, my son is an officer in the British Army and he is marrying Jirapah Panchamnong in a few days in Bangkok and Jirapah and her family are waiting for me in the entrance hall ! Now will you please speak to them and they will confirm my story?"

"Wot dare fone number?"

"Once again I have no idea! Please just get someone to go and speak to them!"

Finally, he spoke to someone on an internal phone whilst repeatedly turning to stare at me before saying, "O.K! You go now! Next time yu bling fone! Have nice day!"

And with that the first part of my new adventure was over!