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| GLEBE COTTAGE< COLONSAY> THE SCENE OF THE TERRIFYING BAT ATTACK |
The cold space beside me told me that Shirley was long up and probably already hard at it sorting her latest JOSH SCRAPBOOK or checking the passenger and vehicle numbers disembarking from and boarding the morning ferry, her mind awash with fascinating statistics!
There was a strange silence that I was aware of even though I suffer from roaring tinnitus.
The sound of a flock of sparrows that normally fills my ears had gone.
No breeze rattled the loose guttering.
No sun slanted in through the patio doors.
A grey pallor limped through the cottage and hung like a dead donkey draped over my workbench.
I attended to my toilet ( Emily Bronte is a big influence in my life! NOT ) and quickly breakfasted on a concoction of home-made muesli, bran flakes and syrup of figs, washed down with a life-enhancing glass of yesterday's cabbage water.
Picking up the mobile phone and with a pad and pencil and a request to check and note down the tide timetable for the coming ten days which was always displayed in the ferry office, walk the mile up to the hotel to check and note down the weather forecast, also for the next ten days for the entire United Kingdom and phone my daughter Gemma to see what would be wrong with her today and if there was to check the ferry times so we could cut our holiday short and rush back, I set out on the usually pleasant quarter mile stroll to a point just in line with the Doctor's surgery where the phone started to pick up a signal.
The air was utterly still and a cold mist enveloped me. Not even the tiniest wavelet lapped onto the shore. I shuddered as something flew unseen past my head and my stomach cramped.
"Get a hold of yourself!" I shouted out, slapping my face hard enough to bring a tear to my eyes and then an apology to myself! Thankfully there was nobody else about to witness this strange man behaving quite oddly!. No one to have to avert my gaze from. No one to think, " We've got a right one here!"
Sure as eggs is eggs the "message" tone beeped and I knew I was right, there was a message from Gemma,"Dad! Urgent! Please phone me as soon as possible! I need to talk!"
I could see that the signal strength was low but phoned anyway.
"Gemma! Dad ! What's up?"
"Dad!"... sob... " You know I had extensions done on my eyelashes last week?"... sob... sob... " Well the left hand side is no longer as curly as the right and I need to make an emergency appointment at the salon and I wondered if you could cut your holiday short and come home and have the kids tomorrow afternoon cos Derek's at an auction?"... heart-rendering sobs!
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| SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL HER THAT SHE DOES NOT NEED EYELASH EXTENSIONS ! |
" Of course darling!" I replied soothingly. "I'm on my way to check the times right now and I'll call you back shortly."
I still carried out my remaining chores which only took an hour or so and wearily retraced my steps, trying to ignore a sheep which stood stock still glaring at me with it's goat-like eye! Come to think of it a sheep probably glares with a sheep-like eye.
There was still something distinctly odd about the day!
I walked past the freshly-appeared police blue and white scene-of-crime tape and thought, "Colonsay? Crime? I think I'm going mad and rushed home!
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| I NEVER GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS MYSTERY ! |
I told Shirley the problem with Gemma and she said, "Oh! Poor pet! Did you check the ferry times? I'll go and start packing."
I went and played a final round of golf, on my own as usual, which in reality makes for a really boring thing to do and played so badly that I only managed a "one over par", which is terrible for me because I allow myself to play with up to twenty balls per shot, eventually choosing the best one as the scoring shot and not bothering to putt at all once I'm on the green, taking it as a forgone conclusion that I would get the ball in on my first attempt no matter the distance or the amount of sheep,rabbit and cow poo that lay between it and the hole!
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| COLONSAY'S ANCIENT GOLF COURSE IS WILD, RUGGED AND TESTING |
NOW THAT'S HOW TO PLAY GOLF!
Despite having hit three hundred and seventy three balls I was chilled to the bone and went home to light a roaring fire in the largest multi-fuel burner in existence. Once you can get it to light!
The cottage's visitor book is awash with frustrated tales of failed lighting attempts.
It's really easy...empty three whole packets of fire-lighters onto the grate, cover them with an entire pack of kindling, smother the kindling with a full scuttle of coal, douse the entire thing with a gallon of petrol, stand slightly back and strike a match. If you find yourself still alive then the fire should take.
Like I said, simple. What's wrong with people these days?
With the fire roaring and the central-heating system which feeds from it hissing with fury it was just about time for an early night.
Shirley said that she thought that lighting such a large fire at ten at night might make her feel slightly warm during the hours of darkness.
She opened the bedroom window wide. That was a big mistake!
I replied, "Hush now! You'll be fine" and she said, "You're probably right as you know me better than I know myself. You are so dependable. Nighty-night! Don't let the bed-bugs bite!"...........Zzzzzz
It was pitch black when her elbow thumped me in the solar plexus.
"David!" she growled in terror." There's something in the room!"
"Shush pet" I said soothingly, it'll just be the breeze getting up and rustling the curtains, now go back to sleep!"
I went back.
"David! Wake up!.There IS something in the room!"
Oh Gosh! I said cheerily, I'll take a peep.
Getting out of bed I was stunned by the overwhelming heat pouring off the radiators! I could hardly breathe and Shirley said that she felt a little warm too!
And THEN I knew what the day's weird feeling had been all about! I knew things weren't right. I'm not superstitious but I have "feelings" and here was the proof!
There, right there on the curtain and looking as terrifying as It's possible to look was..............................
A fig roll sized baby bat actually looking as terrified as it is possible for a baby bat to look!
I said "Shirley! Get under the quilt and stay there until I give you the all clear!"
"What is it?" she wailed.
"It's a very large Vampire bat and I'm going to get it out through the patio doors in the lounge"
" Oh my God! Be careful darling and remember you're naked and Vampire bats carry rabies!"
I bloomin found out I was naked alright when a part of my anatomy encountered the bedroom door handle, which like most door handles is set at a perfect height to inflict crippling pain to naked men intent on chasing bats in the middle of the night!
I approached the wee mite as slowly as possible, holding my breath and extending my hand to gently enfold it but it had gone, silently as if it had been a figment of my imagination.
And then, there it was flying and looping from corner to corner letting out tiny, high-pitched pleas for help. "Squeak!....Help me!...Squeeeeak!"
I shushed it and whispered " Hush now, I'm only trying to help!"
I don't think it understood human speech as it's looping became more frantic.
Well tiny it may have been but the hairs on the back of my head were, by now, fully erect . I said the hairs on the back of my head! Really ,some people!
Then it was gone, as silent as...as silent as...a bat I suppose.
It was now in the lounge and from it's speed I thoght it was probably on the verge of hysteria as I reached to open the patio door which had a three way opening choice which on the verge of my own hysteria I couldn't remember.
Me, fumbling uselessly...The bat, looping and looping,endlessly looping and then looping again!
By now I was retching with fear and I heard Shirley's muffled shout, herself also on the point of hysteria, " What's that noise?"
" Just"..retch.."getting the door open"..retch.."darling"..retch.."won't"..retch.."be".."be"..retch, retch.."a"..retch,retch,retch and retch again.."mo!"..two minutes of retching!
Finally I flung it open and the night terror fled with what I can only interpret as a mocking, piercing final scream!
I could see Shirley's humped outline by the red light of the central-heating circulation warning switch, shaking with terror but fancying a quick cup of coffee and a Garibaldi biscuit, I warned her to stay where she was for ten more minutes!
Eventually, with the lights now on I went to get back into bed where catching sight of my injury Shirley nearly fainted and swooning said," I think you've been bitten but only by a single fang as I can only see one entry wound ( Editors comment.....How can one man be so funny? ) though as bat venom, like snake venom is highly toxic it has to be removed and as there is no doctor immediately present I will have to administer the only treatment that will give you any chance of survival. Come here my naked hero!"
I was just about to tell her that I had only banged it when I thought..........There's a time when a man should just keep quiet!
And now we travel nowhere without a full set of anti-bat net curtains, blu-tak, parcel tape and tacks, tack hammer and drawing pins, meths to remove all traces of the parcel tape if we use it, hole filler and a selection of touch-up paints and brushes!
Thanks to Shirley's ministrations I never developed rabies ! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk !
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