Sally-Part 15. INTERLUDE. THAT'S ALL I NEED, A BLOODY HUNT !

Shirley is occasionally a little impatient and things, me for instance, don't always come up to her expectations. Having given up foreign holidays and two night breaks I thought that, perhaps, a day out with a nice meal in a pub would please her. Well of course, having suggested the idea to her, she then spent three days on her laptop trying to decide where to go. Eventually Lindisfarne, known as Holy Island, was selected and off we went yesterday, sixty miles north into a bright and remarkably warm (16 degrees C ) Northumberland.

As it was so warm my ex-army rucksack only contained her boots, spare shoes, that bloomin anti-thigh-rub gel, wellies, two litres of water, wet flannel, binoculars, camera, two apples, two oranges, four rounds of sandwiches, two Tunnocks wafers, a selection of various weights of spare clothing, a picnic blanket  a beach towel, a mobile phone and a spare mobile phone in case the signal couldn't find the first one, the AA extra large print "Touring Guide To Great Britain And Northern Ireland" and several printed out sheets of weather forecasts for the various beaches on Lindisfarne, which were all within half a mile of each other.

I marched confidently into the ancient low-beamed pub all ready to be hale and hearty to be met by the haunted eyes of three other couples trapped behind their bowls of homemade soup and plate of chips being eaten in total silence, imploring us to leave before we made the same mistake as they had. Should have turned and left really. I ordered safe Scampi for me and the more problematical roast beef (Roast beef is always problemmatical as it's invariably , in Shirley's case anyway, hard, chewy, tasteless and "all they've done is open a bloody catering pack) for Shirley before returning to my table where I was immediately aware of "that" look that wives give their husbands.

"This is a dump!" she hissed, " and what on earth are we doing paying twenty five quid for what I know'll be crap?! And the table's filthy and everyone's staring at us and the ugly woman at the next table keeps kissing the twit who she's obviously met through the internet!"

She was correct. It was the perfect example of what English pubs do worst, serve mediocre reheated frozen food at ridiculously high prices to idiots who daren't complain.

There wasn't a scrap of food left on either plate! Full, we set out and actually had a fantastic couple of hours walking and sunbathing. Yes, sunbathing and for Shirley a paddle in the North sea  to cool down her steaming feet  and sweated thighs, attended by me,  her butler, holding her towel. For those watching from afar, in wonder and shock and awe and total disbelief, I, as usual, could be seen struggling after Shirley, bent double beneath the weight of her "requirements", before starting out on our return down a long country track, following her as quickly as all my strength would allow and subserviently replying "Yes dearest, I'm doing my best " as she shouted, "Hurry up or we'll miss the tide and then we'll have to spend a night in this Godforsaken hole at what cost I dread to think!"

"Coming dearest!" I called but I thought darkly of murder!

After a short while and admittedly it was windy and sound was distorted, Shirley shouted over " That's all I need a bloody hunt!"
" What? "
" Can't you hear it you deaf idiot? Bloody guns and shouting and barking dogs! A hunt and it's coming this way! "

I couldn't hear a thing but closed in to protect her. Around the corner, in the distance and not terribly threatening walked a woman with two puppies on leads and further in towards the town, we passed a farmyard with a cockerel crowing in it. Oh and a shepherd in a field rounding up his sheep.

"Hunt?" I dared to ask

"Yeh! Well! I thought it was and a lot of good you would have been!"

No winning really chaps, Eh?

Ah!! And People, if you're old and ugly and fat or a combination of any of the above or even young and tremendously attractive, please don't kiss in public or at least at the next table to me. That's the second time this week! It happened at The Boar's Head too!