I was just about to do something really lovely in a dream when Shirley destroyed everything !
"David, David, OI DAVID ! Erkser ipinder tp !"
"Yerk erkn twer, what ?" I finally managed to answer !
"I said, there's a drip in the kitchen tap and it's going to cost HUNDREDS of pounds in wasted metered water if you don't get up IMMEDIATELY and do something about it !"
I instantly became fully conscious and manly, leapt out of bed and stood legs and arms akimbo, ready to dash off and fix whatever was wrong, however difficult the task !
"Show me the tap my lovely and stand back !" I commanded, twirling my whiskers whilst raising my left eyebrow in a high arch displaying my competence in all DIY matters !
"Oh for God's sake put something on first !" she responded through clenched teeth whilst trying not to retch !
I saw, I thought and I responded, leapt for my car keys and shouting, "SCREWFIX AND BEYOND !" disappeared in a flash of masculinity !
"GOOD GOD !" she gasped when I returned within the hour, "find no-one to talk to ?"
So I turned off the water, shut off the valve next to the immersion heater in the airing cupboard though I didn't know why I was doing that, knelt down to remove the old tap and was stopped in my tracks because I didn't have a set of box spanners to get up into the almost impossible place to undo the nut that I had forgotten holds it in place !
"Well why HAVEN'T you got a set of box spanners ?" every neighbour heard Shirley shout, "You've got every other tool in the universe !"
Keeping my voice down to just above screaming pitch I answered, "Because I've never needed one !"
The job ground to an instant halt and I turned the stop cock and upstairs valve thing back on only to find that there was now no water pressure in the house as I'd obviously broken something !
The next short period in our lives is best not reported as neither of us was very nice to each other, with a man who had no idea what he was talking about trying to convince a woman who had no interest or understanding and never had had in anything remotely technical that he knew what he was doing, and ended with my phoning our local plumber in a blind panic !
Then Shirley discovered on Facebook that TOTALLY COINCIDENTALLY there had been a burst watermain in town and NOBODY had water pressure so I rephoned the plumber, cancelled his visit but asked him to come and replace the tap anyway because I could find NO way to stop the warm water coming through which would have caused a flood and a few more words of disapproval !
Shirley said, "Why don't you speak in plain English when you're on the phone ?"
"What's that mean ?" I replied brusquely.
"Well you phrase things like you're in a Shakesperean play with 'methinks' and 'heretofores' and other words that you'd never use when talking face to face !"
"I have no idea what you're on about !" I said, knowing that she was perfectly right...she always is !
