It's suddenly so hot in England I'm running with sweat after an hour sunbathing in my back garden so I've come back inside to seek the shade and some breeze !
"I could do with diving into the Mediterranean !" I groaned at Shirley who had taken my place on the punctured plastic lilo that hasn't held air for more than thirty years but is useful as a first layer before a thin and narrow scrap of faded striped sunchair foam is placed on it followed by cushions and a towel if I use it to carch my drool !
"Well we have a beach five minutes away so why not nip down there ?" she urged, obviously not remembering what happened to me the last time I went for a dip there on a very hot day in 1981 !
I dived in and came up with a not very attractive necklace of untreated human waste !
"Rather not ! I meant somewhere hotter and with transparently turquoise water !"
"Oh God, you mean like Lanzarote where you should have been shot for going in naked !"
"But it was a nudist beach and you said I looked pathetic in shorts !"
"Yes but you were 'unmanicured' and the image is too awful to conjure back up !"
"I'm a MAN and proper men DON'T 'manicure' !"
"You're not a proper man and you SHOULD !"
And with that she fell back to sleep and I reached for my grooming kit !
I wonder what she'll think of THIS !
(No, NO PHOTOS !)
