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| PRETENDING I OWNED MORE THAN A TEN POUND PIECE OF USELESSNESS FROM ARGOS ! |
Now everyone knows that I DO have a phone, a PAY AS YOU GO one with very little or NO credit on or battery charge in it somewhere which I NEVER use and which cost £10 from Argos and is there for me to call for help from should I die so handing me the equivalent of Nuclear Power Staion with NO instructions as to how to operate it was bound to cause problems !
Utterly, UTTERLY flummoxed I managed to phone the Vodaphone helpline and after only a dozen or so options managed to get through to a humAn in a far off land who I simply couldn't understand because each of the people I spoke to spoke English with the wrong inflections and emphasis and although I had somehow managed to put things on speakerphone I simply didn't know what to swipe up or down or sideways or click on !
The first bloke even called me JENNIFER after asking for my full name which is Jonathan and I don't think that they will have recorded my enquiry for training purposes as much as for a good laugh !
"Look !" I shouted after half an hour of profuse sweating and the use of swear words I never knew I knew, "I just want to be able to use my laptop so what must I do to connect my phone to it ?"
"I am juzz doin tings at dizz end Meester Jennifer and den ahmer goin ta ring hoff and den awhill fone you back in teen minits hokay to zees eef da problem his goin daway hokay ?"
I screamed something else unrepeatable and slammed the receiver down or would have had it been a real phone, a proper one...with a dial !
He phoned back an hour later and believe it or not I was in the bathroom which is where I have to go to get ANYONE to phone me back....the very moment I have taken up residence !
"Ellos Meester Jennifers, his dat do ? His heverytin workin now ?"
"NO !"
"HOKAY, I is tranfurrin you to dee teknikal department now Meester Jennifers !" and off he went leaving me staring at the horrible thing in my hand !
Eventually...EVENTUALLY....after I had topped up my balance from £1:56 to £6:66 I got on and took a look at a very few things when my phone pinged and a message said 'You have now used up 493 MBs of you 500MBs daily allowance'
WHAT ? WHAT ? I hadn't been on more than a blink so I phoned them back and got told tht 500MBs was NOTHING so I gave up and wept and wept as I haven't wept since I was about five !
