Sally..Part 157. TONIGHT I WAS ACTUALLY RIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 44 YEARS !

DO THEY LOOK LIKE PISTACHIOS TO YOU ?

The medical advice to reverse erectile and heart dysfunctions is to eat watermelon and pistachio nuts which both contain chemicals that clean out the arteries and I bet you never thought you'd learn that in one of my Blogs did you ?

So yesterday at Aldi where I was harassingly followed relentlessly by an old and very VERY large yet extremely short woman who leaned against and rested both her arms and her gigantic bosoms on and over her trolley handle, I headed for the nut area and threw in a packet of the aforementioned fruits.

Her husband's enormously ponderous gut, the sort that actually fills out the top of the thigh portions of a man's trousers, also kept blotting out the daylight as he stared  lasciviously at every other woman in the aisles !

The very short lady in question was already leaning her arms on her trolley handle when fixing me, I swear, with a 'LOOK' as I was weighing up a watermelon in each hand, heaved her at least 70" breasts up and over and frankly into the area designed for a child to sit in !

Shirley even nudged me sharply in the ribs and nodding as subtly as she could in the other woman's direction hissed, "Jesus Christ ! This is the last time I ever go shopping on a Saturday morning !"

So anyway just now at 11pm I said that I fancied a dish of pistachios to which Shirley said, "Well you'll have a job as we don't have any !"

"Of course we do !" I ventured, "We bought some in Aldi on Saturday !"

"Don't be an idiot, you know I showed you yesterday that you'd bought cashews and not pistachios !" she retorted with her very special contempt fired at me whenever I dare to say anything at all !

"That was on Thursday, two days before we went to Aldi and a week after we last went shopping when I admit I did buy the wrong nuts !" I reminded her with as much courtesy as my superior manner would allow !

"Look ! I'm not not arguing with you, I can't be bothered now that your brain is going but I can assure you without even looking in the nut tin that we did NOT buy any pistachios on Saturday !"

"We DID because if you remember I once again picked up the cashews before realising my mistake upon which we BOTH went to the pistachio box !"

"Look ! You need to see a doctor because you are losing the plot very badly and I'm REALLY getting fed up with you ! Now just to prove a point, I'm going to open the nut tin and prove to you, once and for all that you are living in a fantasy land because as you will see there are NO PISTACHIOS ! RIGHT ? "

So Shirley lifted the lid of the nut tin with a SNORT OF DISGUST and there on the top of all the packets of heart and erectile dysfunction curing packets of nuts, seeds and milled flax was my packet of PISTACHIOS !

So WHO needs to see a doctor then ? NOT ME !

Oh and I've decided NOT to put on any photos showing erectile dysfunction...at this point in time ! You'll just have to go onto the wider internet for them !

ALL MY TROUBLES LORD WILL SOON BE OVER !

SALLY..PART 156 ! I AM FEELING HURT ! WOUNDED IN FACT !

As we started our walk to the beach yesterday Shirley said, "If you died tomorrow I don't really know what I'd live on once I'd spent your modest savings ! I suppose I'd have to sell the house and move into Sheltered Accomodation !"

I said, "Surely you would die of grief within a week?"

I actually thought, 'Where did THAT come from ? She doesn't want me dead does she ?'

She stopped walking and exploded with laughter and continued to laugh hard all the way to the promenade with tears pouring down her cheeks and every time she tried to look at me, presumably to apologise, she started up all over again, guffawing and snotting and snorting with people staring at her and elbowing each other and getting out the way of what they presumed was a day-release patient, all the time giving me sympathetic nods !

Eventually I got her home where she lay for the rest of the evening on the sofa holding her stomach and hooting in derision every few minutes shouting out, "GRIEF?" in a continuous stream !