Last Friday, late January, I suddenly fancied a sauna and a Turkish bath so dropped my cutting knife (What else does one do with a knife ? Stab I suppose !) and walked through to announce my intention to Shirley who was watching another film illegally !
I was going to nip along to my local 'Nifty at Fifty' which should be more accurately renamed 'Nearly Dead at Ninety' once the council look in on the decrepit old toads leaking into the Jacuzzi but Shirley suggested I treated myself to Whitley Bay's Leisure Suite and also recommended driving one eighth of a mile to the beach car park's far end from where I could then catch a bus the 5 miles to the place thus saving a quid on petrol whilst taking advantage of my free bus pass !
I sat alone downstairs on the deserted bus as even I think I'm pathetic for wanting to sit at the front upstairs and quickly noticed the bus driver staring at me in his rear view mirror !
I tried to ignore him but every time I glanced, he was STARING at me !
I furtively felt down to make sure my flies were done up which they're more than likely not to be these days and reassured that they weren't open, causing his interest, tried to look like a dozy pensioner which isn't a difficult thing for me to do !
But still he stared !
I was so unnerved that I failed to press the stop button efficiently once I'd spotted my destination and as it remained silent the bus sailed through to the next halt, leaving me a half mile walk back !
Has anyone else ever pressed a bus bell inefficiently ?
I find these days that driving means I've never noticed things like how big the houses lining the sea front are .
Walking gave me the opportunity to stare at them and into them and I found the inhabitants staring back and reaching for their phones !
Well anyway the lady on the reception desk who managed to suppress a sneer as she fleeced me of £6:20 asked me in that dreadfully patronising way a fifty year old woman reserves for older men whether I knew where I was going !
I told her that I'd just follow the bright blue, clearly written 'SPA' signs with the arrows on and I was sure that I'd find it !
Unfortunately that answer wasn't good enough for her and leaving her Receptionist's seat which I happened to notice these days are made extra wide and coming round to the front she then, after placing her hand on my arm, instructed me on how to find my way by walking through various double doors, up flights of stairs and direction changes, none of which I paid the slightest attention to because after a lifetime of receiving overly copious ones every time I leave the house I now go immediately and completely deaf when a woman gives me instructions !
So I did actually manage to get lost and ended up in the Ladies changing room !
I very quickly turned around and left as the sights that greeted me of naked ancients was not a good one and despite their cries of "Come back young man !" I hurtled away !
I am uneasy in communal changing rooms and prefer my own cabin but needs must and aware that what looked frankly like many ex-cons hovering about elbowing each other when I walked in I was extra careful in not bending over to pick up my shorts whilst naked !
One particularly big bloke aged about forty just simply STARED at me with a Cheshire cat 's fixed grin whilst taking an age to get changed himself, folding up each article of clothing with studied care !
He suddenly piped up in a very curiously high pitched lisp, "I'm going to the Gym now ! Anyone want to chase me ?" and shot out giggling maniacally !
I felt ill at ease but after packing my clothes into my Asda bright green 'Bag For Life' I stuffed it into a locker, carefully pushing my pink leather change purse containing £1:20 in 20pees for a cup of tea afterwards to the bottom of it, I sallied forth without my glasses on and therefore BLIND !
Mr Magoo like I pressed my nose up against the signs outside the various 'rooms' but all every one said was....actually I can't remember what they said....and entered the first obviously steam room, finding myself surrounded by swirling clouds of mentholated super-heated water droplets which made me choke and gasping for my life I sat down without being able to focus on the activities going on around me !
It was only when an allotment blackened hand squeezed my knee and a male voice simpered, "Hell LOW , YOU'RE new aren't you and such a big boy ?
Two seconds later I was out of there and stubbing my toes on the raised rim of the Jacuzzi, dived head first under the water coming up spluttering between a pair of fat man's thighs which had a neighbour's hand evidently protecting the chaps 'privates' so I leapt out of there and onto the most stupid thing of all, a roughly tiled heated reclined concrete bench that cooked anyone daft enough to lie on it !
Hotter than I ever got in Egypt I stood under the ice bucket, pulled the chain and SCREAMED like a stuck pig and frozen half to death rushed for what fortunately turned out to be the sauna but realising after quickly finding my brain fried that Spas are the most stupid thing in the world and shaking with heat exhaustion stumbled for a shower where for some inexplicable reason I looked up into one of those appalling spotlights that have replaced proper bulbs which immediately triggered a violent visual migraine !
Staggering out to get dressed and bear in mind that this entire experience had so far only lasted four minutes I found myself towelling down in front of the same man who'd wanted chasing a few moments before !
Thankfully I spotted a man I vaguely knew from Blyth and called out, " Hello there ! How are you ?"
His response was neither expected nor welcome : " Not so bad now thanks ! I'm not bleeding so much from my rear end anymore and I seem to have got back the use of most things since my stroke three years ago !" (Strokes cause what's called 'disinhibition' which he was clearly still suffering from !) .
I threw my clothes on whilst I was still soaking and rushed out and down to the lobby bursting for a cup of Bovril and a packet of OXO crisps like I always had at the pool when a boy but they no longer serve such food of THE GODS !
Trying to ignore all the mothers who were ignoring their babies whilst on their i Phones I decided to go and have a cup of tea and a scone in The Rendezvous Cafe on the Prom !
I no longer cared that I'd blown £6:20 PLUS 20p for my locker and had decided to tell Shirley how much I'd enjoyed the whole thing even if she did notice that I was home rather sooner than she'd expected !
There's also a posh cafe at the back but I wanted a view so I sat in the fifties throwback,with plastic chairs and unable to look out onto the view I wanted because the windows were running with condensation from the cooking and the wet dogs which were allowed in and ate a rather dry item smeared with butter and jam and which exploded when I tried to lift it, scattering itself across a suspiciously uninviting table top !
No-one talked in the place and it really wasn't terribly nice but the scraps of scone I gathered up and swallowed with my tea re-energised me and afterwards I went and stood on the prom where I was swiftly joined by a very fat and old Pug dog whose owner couldn't shift it from where it had collapsed on my foot ! It smelt awful and feeling sick I forced my foot out from beneath it's bulk and went for my bus !
Now ! How come when as a car driver all I see is buses but when I actually want one I end up standing freezing and spotted by the local nutter ?
This charming lady in her thirties must have seen me from some distance because I couldn't help but notice her dreadfully knock-kneed enormous legs clumping rapidly in a straight line for me with her top half invisible behind a wreath of cigarette smoke !
"Con yee see it ?" she wheezed, "Cos I canna !"
Thankfully 'IT' appeared and I'm afraid I did NOT for the one and only time in my life, stand aside to let this fouly dressed vision of horribleness on first ! Shame on me !
I plonked my bus pass with the photo of me looking dead onto the reader, took my ticket and fled upstairs where a young man sitting alone in a front seat of the deserted level turned and STARED at me with incomprehension in his eyes ! I sat at the back....he sat turned in his seat and stared at me the entire journey back !
Perhaps I AM paranoid !
