Sally Part 133. AN ANONYMOUSLY GREY MAN SPEAKS OUT ! If that's alright with you dear ?

Shirley uses me as her mouthpiece and battering ram when she's too scared to complain about something herself, which is several times a day and that's why people think she's always so sweetly patient and uncomplaining and that I am miserable !

She'll be sat with 'THAT LOOK' boring into the back of my skull! The look that ALL married men know whilst I stand with knees knocking facing up to some Harridan who really hates her job and me !

And that's why the WORLD thinks old men are miserable.....because they've been forced to humiliate themselves under orders from their  'BOSS' !

 Men like me are really calm and relaxed and I don't care about anything until a kick in the kidneys sends me sallying forth to put some foul receptionist in their place !

Take yesterday at Wallington Hall, one of Northumberland's most beautiful 18th century gardens which The National Trust has taken over and turned into a tourist attraction .

EVEN IN EARLY FEBRUARY THE SUN CAN MAKE THINGS LOOK GREAT !

After an hour's route march when it's impossible for me at six feet high to keep up with my fivefooter's mad dash, we like to have a cup of tea and a shortcake biscuit in the cafe !

She WON'T wait whilst I compose my photos and rushes on, often gently 'encouraging' me to quicken my pace a little !

Being mostly deaf, or so SHE thinks I pretend not to hear these hurlings and I ignore the looks of contempt for me from other women as they pass, delighted to have heard the yell ! Their husbands, without their wives seeing, generally pat me kindly on the arm and give me one of those looks which mean 'we're all in the same boat mate !'

Actually what we really like is a mug of coffee and the mightiest slab of cake each !

Shirley ALWAYS chooses the wrong cake and I end up having to swap and eat her dried up Chocolate Gateau whilst she gobbles up my deliciously moist Lemon Drizzle cake ! And I'm told how much I'm obviously enjoying it too as it blasts apart each time I try to stick a fork in it !

Despite not being poor we always get our card stamped which gives us, " One drink free for every nine bought !"

SEE ! I AM TELLING THE TRUTH ! A COMPLETED CARD WHICH HAS COST ME ABOUT TWENTY QUID !

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM !

As she thrust the card at me with the instruction to not forget to get my 'stamp' we entered the place and I was ushered forward to the counter whilst she set off to try out several tables before settling for the one furthest away from anyone middle class or mothers and fathers with children or worse than that, middle class mothers or fathers with children !

Shirley knew that I was about to get the ninth symbol stamped and 'advised' me to get the super luxury huge mug of chocolate with extra marshmallows and cocoa powder for myself despite knowing that I only wanted a pot of tea  !

" My good woman!" I said authoritatively to the servant behind the cash desk, " As you will see, my card is about to have it's ninth symbol stamped ! Therefore if I pay for my good lady's filter coffee at one pound ninety pence first then I will have my gut busting mug of  two pounds fifty pence Chocolate Supreme for free !"

She didn't even sigh as after a lifetime's dealing with greedy well-heeled pensioners she simply sneered, "CHEAPEST one's free....Sir ! You'll have to pay for the Chocolate !" and rang up the £2:50 !

AND HERE IT IS ! YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY DRINK THE CHOCOLATE THROUGH THE MARSHMALLOWS AS THEY FORM AN IMPENETRABLE BARRIER AGAINST YOUR LIPS !

I loudly demanded to speak to someone in authority but was denied access and straightened my bristling back as I strode off tutting loudly and staring fixedly at Shirley who was desperately trying to look like she wasn't with me !

The room was silent with all eyes turned to me and all hearing aids turned to full volume to catch my humiliation !

OH PLEASE JUST LET ME SIT AND ADMIRE THE VIEW !

We're members of The National Trust which means we can visit any of hundreds of properties FREE once we'd paid our annual subscription of £90.

But did WE pay £90 ? OH NO ! Shirley who scans the Universe for loopholes and bargains discovered that if we took out SCOTTISH membership we could get it for £40 !

I have no idea why but we have to pretend to be Scottish wherever we go in England and I have to wear a kilt with my dreadfully skinny legs and when my sister-in-law from Spain illegally borrows my card her Spanish husband also has to talk with a Scottish accent which must confuse those slightly superior checkers at the gates !

I have DEMANDED all sorts of things at my wife's behest .

I have two specialities : getting hotel rooms changed about six times before we find one that she can spend a holiday week in or even just a single night if it's a Travelodge £10 'value deal' booked seven months in advance..... and returning wrongly priced items or invisibly bruised fruit to Tesco's 'Customer Service' counter !

When almost any issue is troubling her she will have a rant during which it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a word in and then just before her wildly swinging eyeballs burst, will growl and then attack me with , "Well ! You're not saying much ! Has the cat got your tongue or are you not man enough to have an opinion of your own ?"

Even if I do have an opinion which is completely at odds with hers and that is presuming I even care about what she's gone on about I will ALWAYS take the coward's route out and agree absolutely with her and express outrage at the matter !

Were I to DARE to disagree.....well it's not worth contemplating so I don't !

So if you see me in a hotel dining room or a restaurant you'll notice that like all the other husbands sat with their wives I'll be greyly silent and toying with my food, not daring to look up at all the other greyly silent and toying men !

If you do see a couple chatting and laughing, well they've just met on the internet and it'll only be a matter of time before the man joins our club !

AMERICAN READERS ! NORTHUMBERLAND, ENGLAND REALLY IS BEAUTIFUL !